I was sexually abused as a child and now I have abhorrent fantasies of raping a future intimate partner. Am I a horrible person?

2021.09.20 10:23 RootLevelUser I was sexually abused as a child and now I have abhorrent fantasies of raping a future intimate partner. Am I a horrible person?

I am 22 years old man and child sexual assault survivor. Long story short when I was a young kid I was used as a sex toy multiple times by an older boy who never penetrated me but rubbed himself against my ass until he was on the verge of cumming but he would never cum on me.
This fucked up my boundaries and sense of masculinity for years to come and made me see myself as a sexual being before I even knew what sex was.
I was 5 when I was sexually abused and I learned what sex was when I was 6. I saw my first porn pictures at 7, and my first porn video at 11.
The trauma and feeling of lost masculinity because of my assault lead me to develop increasingly extreme and dehumanizing fantasies of raping women to reclaim my masculinity and caused me to get addicted to all sorts of terrible porn.
My really misplaced sense of masculinity is confusing because I convince myself above all else that despite the fact that at least 2 women have wanted to sleep with me before (I rejected both because i knew they were only interested in casual sex and I have a moral dilemma with that) that I am an undesirable sack of garbage and that im basically the same as an old creep pervert who belongs behind bars and is a menace to women and broader society which caused me to get dragged into online misogyny shit for some time and hate women for not sleeping with me and hate myself even more (even though i am literally voluntarily celibate for religious reasons).
I don’t know what to do with myself or if I can ever have a normal interaction with any future intimate partner if I let her know what happened to me and what my past fantasies were or if it may cause them to want to divorce me and not support me after finding out about my sexual assault.
I still have these fantasies of abusing women but I trying to deprogram myself and get rid of them trying to read and watch more romantic things now.
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2021.09.20 10:23 Kiony Mid price-range earbuds advice

Hey all,
I've been using the Jabra 65t Elite Active for the past (nearly) 3 years, and the battery life has started depleting drastically. It has about 30 minutes per charge at the moment.
So, since my warranty is only 2 years, it's time to get a new pair. The thing is, I did really like the Jabra Elite 65t active's, so I'd like to get a pair which might be pretty similar. After some research it seems that the main contenders are:


Which earbud out of these would you advise me to take in 2021? Or have I missed a critically good one which I didn't include here.
Thanks a lot!
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2021.09.20 10:23 LeeBMC New Valencia Trash - How To Adjust?

Hi guys,
Before the Valencia Trash rework, I was almost ready to make the switch to Hystria on my awa mystic (currently 253k/305) but since the rework, it seems pointless. I've been grinding Cadry and Centaurs and I'm pulling a consistent 200m+/hour (300m+ with agris, 210m from trash alone at Cadry).
Is it even worth it to progress to Hystria/SE anymore or just stick with these far less dangerous spots all the way to Elvia starters spots like bandits?
submitted by LeeBMC to blackdesertonline [link] [comments]


2021.09.20 10:23 HarrySRL I have a question about chimera’s.

So is it possible for two different chimera’s to have children? Or only the queen could give birth.
submitted by HarrySRL to HunterXHunter [link] [comments]


2021.09.20 10:23 srslyredditusername Good dermatologist in Luxembourg

Hello,
I am from Belgium (and live in Belgium) and it takes a year to have an appointment with a dermatologist. Is it better in Luxembourg?
I also have DKV insurance with my company so I guess that I should be able to go see one in Luxembourg without paying too much, is that correct?
If so, would you have one dermatologist in Luxembourg that you would recommend?
Thanks.
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2021.09.20 10:23 Winter-Bag-9045 Which do epic ethereal will come out next?

View Poll
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2021.09.20 10:23 emkeybi_gaming Got my first ever shadow achievement after 6 days and one ascension

Got my first ever shadow achievement after 6 days and one ascension submitted by emkeybi_gaming to CookieClicker [link] [comments]


2021.09.20 10:23 BeKot LETS FUCKING GO!!!

LETS FUCKING GO!!! submitted by BeKot to GenZedong [link] [comments]


2021.09.20 10:23 Outrageous-Log4312 Well there’s always 2023

Alright everyone who bombed out this cycle post your stats, what your doing to improve for next cycle and any questions you have.

Applied to UNDS/F, UoW, Deakin, Macquarie and ANU but no interview.
Sitting GAMSAT in March, with specific focus on S3.
Starting masters program in 2022, mix of course work and research’s not sure if it counts at all unis but it’s what I’m interested in and work will subsidise it.
What’s a competitive GPA/GAMSAT? Anyone went about shadowing in Oz? Looking to get some exposure to primary care, ED/ICU and surgery (doubt I’ll like the latter but want to see).
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2021.09.20 10:23 Kousuke_123 Need Help finding a textbook;

Canadian Families: diversity, conflict, and change By Nancy Mandell (4th edition) !
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2021.09.20 10:23 ThrowRA-whatcanisay What to say after she agreed to go out?

Hey all! No drama here, more of a sweet post asking for advice. Never thought i'd have to ask this, but i'm a bit stuck at the moment. Last friday I (24m) met a girl (22f) at a houseparty hosted by some mutual friends. We hit it off great, i'm talking immediate attraction from the moment we saw eachother. Well, we had a great night talking in the kitchen and dancing. It was as if we've known eachother for years. She's mastering in psychology, i'm in law. We're both from Europe btw. Her interests include fashion, vintage stuff, music (festivals), art and nature. Full package! When she left to go home I walked her out, she told me she had a great night. I agreed wholeheartedly. We kissed and hugged for a while. In that romantic moment I boldly told her I hoped it wouldn't be our last kiss and that i'd message her the day after. She said yes please. The day after we dm'ed all day and yesterday I asked her out. She agreed! The date is tuesday and we already have a place and time. But now I don't know what to say... I feel like i've shot all my munition in the first days talking and now i'm so nervous I don't know what to do! I have barely slept, can't eat and can't focus on studying. My line of education is in law and normally us lawyers don't know how to shut up right? Guess those are butterflies? Haven't had this experience since high school! Maybe I can send her a picture of us from the party? Or ask her what she's up to today? What can I say? Looking for fun topics or ideas :) (Also a bit of support for the nerves hehe)
TLDR: I met a girl at a party, we hit it off and I asked her out a few days later. Now i'm stuck not knowing what to dm her after she agreed to go!
Throwaway because I use my main for other things.
submitted by ThrowRA-whatcanisay to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2021.09.20 10:23 Conbond007 Thought this piece I made in Unreal Engine 5 would fit here

Thought this piece I made in Unreal Engine 5 would fit here submitted by Conbond007 to outrun [link] [comments]


2021.09.20 10:23 ernestukas1 Just unlocked the SU-7BKM , going to the next tier, SU-17 or mig21-mf/bis?

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2021.09.20 10:23 Gabysoreos Does the iPhone XR feel outdated?

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2021.09.20 10:23 HealthyBoar Had sex, how to proceed?

Hey Boyz n girlz, I (m25) met a girl(22) on bumble.
We we met at her area and had a nice first date. From that time we didn't text as much, since I always had to take the initiative. I thought she maybe isn't into me, so I stoped. After one week break she texted me and asked how I am. Since the weather is still good until the summer ends, I wanted to do a small hiking trip. So I invited her for a small surprise trip. She agreed, I picked her up, enjoyed it and I stayed at her place. Sex was really romantic, way more intimate than I am used to, when hooking up. She was sooo much into cuddling afterwards, and couldn't stop kissing me. Now I think I like her. We texted a little the day I went back home. But she stoped answering and did the next day. From that point I felt like it's better to show some distance, to make her want me more?
So what do you think? Good idea to call her after I didn't answer for a day, or shall I wait more? At sex I could tell she wasn't that experienced, so maybe she is just very shy and doesn't know what to do. - hate that waiting but I think it works, cause I gotta admit it works when a girl does it to me.
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2021.09.20 10:23 sara_best Need a friend

I just got broken up wirh
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2021.09.20 10:23 Prof-Maple idk what to put here

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2021.09.20 10:23 AutoNewspaperAdmin [World] - Barnaby Joyce says Australia proved its commitment to France during world wars amid Aukus dispute | Guardian

[World] - Barnaby Joyce says Australia proved its commitment to France during world wars amid Aukus dispute | Guardian submitted by AutoNewspaperAdmin to AutoNewspaper [link] [comments]


2021.09.20 10:23 Frosty_Caregiver_709 YOU ARE ALWAYS AN OVERWEIGHT CUNT YET THEY MESSAGED YOU FIRST TELLING YOU HOW GORGEOUS YOU ARE!!!!

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2021.09.20 10:23 GEHAS How do I tag tabs into different colors and group them?

Title, I remember that before I can give different tabs colors tags and group them together, is that function removed?
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2021.09.20 10:23 Martalartsguy The state of my backyard right now.

The state of my backyard right now. submitted by Martalartsguy to teenagers [link] [comments]


2021.09.20 10:23 Drahy Store regionale forskelle: Bor du i et legionella-ramt område?

Store regionale forskelle: Bor du i et legionella-ramt område? submitted by Drahy to Denmark [link] [comments]


2021.09.20 10:23 2020_artist I've been designing digital blessings and hexes. This is a power affirmation. If you find a way to use this for your benefit please do. Namaste.

I've been designing digital blessings and hexes. This is a power affirmation. If you find a way to use this for your benefit please do. Namaste. submitted by 2020_artist to WitchesVsPatriarchy [link] [comments]


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